I Am Going to Kill(probably)

What dark forces does this online urban legend potentially release?

“How can we be sure our children can truly separate reality from fantasy? What are the warning signs that children are confusing the two?”

“IT’S an internet horror-cult that almost caused a killing.”


Here we go again.

I’m a killer. A vicious sociopathic, deranged, killer who can not distinguish fantasy from reality. Allow me to outline my credentials for you.

First off there’s the books that I read, and have always read. I read the Hobbit when I was 7-8. By the time I was 11-13 I had progressed on to reading Stephen King, HP Lovecraft, and even the gory, occasionally sado-sexual, body horror of Clive Barker.

Next there’s Dungeons & Dragons. I was an avid player of all manner of role playing games when I was a pre-teen and teenager. I played D&D, AD&D, Call of Cthulhu, Middle Earth Roleplaying, Cyberpunk, Shadowrun, Vampire: The Masquerade, Werewolf: The Apocalypse, Kult, and all manner of fantastic and horror games. I loved my characters, I loved designing game realms and stories for my players when I was the dungeon master/story teller. I also loved sadistically and horribly killing my player’s characters.

Satanism. Yes I flirted with Satanism for a little bit as a teenager. I had Lavey’s Satanic Bible, Simon’s Necronomicon, and a whole bunch of other occult texts – in nomine dei nostri satanas luciferi excelsi and all that jazz.

Drugs. I did used to love me some drugs when I was a teenager. I think that between the ages of 12 and 21 I probably took every illegal drug that was available in the UK at the time. I smoked weed pretty much daily, took acid in the summer and went picking magic mushrooms in the autumn. I don’t take drugs any more as a) weed has just made me paranoid for a long time now and b) I don’t have the time to be able to take 2-3 days for a proper mushroom trip and all the other ones just kinda bore me now.

Music. We all know that music is the Devil’s tool. How he uses heavy metal to warp young minds with backwards messages on the records and all that satanic imagery. Punk too. I am a massive punk fan. Everything from the Sex Pistols through to the crusty anarchist punk of bands like Antisect and Rudimentary Peni.

So, I’ve read sick horrific fiction, role played, dabbled with Satanism, done drugs, listened to heavy metal and punk music. I must be a killer. FFS I’ve pretty much partaken in every moral panic inducing past time of the last 30-40 years! Unless, that is, that these moral panics are all utter nonsense. Could it be that maybe, just maybe, all these things that conservatives and well meaning but idiotic liberals get all het up about are mere distractions from the things that make our society produce people who act in the most atrocious of ways? Things like economic inequality and exploitation, racism, patriarchy. You know, the things that really mess us up. Mess us up en-masse.

Nah, must be an internet meme that causes these things. Put that mirror away you damn fool!

Anyways. Have some music that will probably make you eat babies or something.


2 thoughts on “I Am Going to Kill(probably)

  1. What happened was terrible, but the fact is that more people are killed in the name of Yahweh, Jesus, Allah and/or Muhammad than they are in the name of Slender Man, Dungeons & Dragons, Heavy Metal, Stephen King or even Satan for that matter.


    1. Aye, though the elephant in the room, I feel, with things like this is that our entire social system is responsible for millions upon millions of injuries and deaths every year in the pursuit of a slightly wider profit margin. People lose jobs when they are outsourced from Western countries, people have to work in god awful conditions in the places those jobs are outsourced to, wars are fought over land and resources, and on and on and on. But a story like this is a nice simple story where the ‘bad guy’ is something that is both easily identifiable and easily othered. It is far more complex to point out the systemic brutalisation of our collective psyche by capitalism. Grrrr.



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